34. Fear of Falling
Do you remember how it felt when you first met someone that made your heart go pitter patter? Remember thinking about them constantly? All you wanted was be near them, circle their orbit, touch their skin and kiss? The physical longing was somewhere on the edge of pain and sheer delight.
How many times has THAT happened to you? It seemed to happen more often when I was younger. Somehow every good looking guy that could string a sentence together, make me laugh or twist my brain with a new perspective, had the potential to leave me spinning with excitement.
I had a long talk with some of my women friends last week. Men and dating seem to come up often when we get together. New York is tough for dating. What is with these men? What is with unrealistic expectations about beauty, independence, age or whatever other fantasy-based list of must-haves that this city has conditioned them to expect. Who, exactly is fulfilling that list? How long can the women they do choose keep up the guise that the list is realistic?
It seems no one I know is falling head over heels anymore. At least not in this city. My friends range in age from 20 to 40 something - so it's not about age.
I'm in the dating game. I say to myself, "Maybe it will get better. Maybe he's just busy now and it will ease up. Maybe he just needs time to feel comfortable. Maybe I need to help him communicate better. Maybe MY expectations are too high... Maybe this is enough."
Ugh, that last part is a killer. Since when is "enough" enough? Honestly, I think fear has a lot to do with our ability to fall in love. That initial high, at least to me, represents danger. It clouds all judgement. It keeps me from really seeing the person. You get your heart knocked around a few times and suddenly, offering it to someone else is like asking to have your hand chopped off, without anaesthesia. I'm wary. And I've thought, often, that I'm better off alone. There was only one time that I allowed myself to fall completely. I made a choice to open up, bare it all, dig into the deepest of places. I realized I was capable of that. It was an accomplishment and I have no regrets. The thing is, it was by far, the most difficult when it ended.
Recently, that ah-ha moment came when I reminded myself that despite it all, I'm still alive - maybe more than ever. I've grown and evolved and I like who I have become.
It's only recently that I realized the conundrum I've placed myself in. How am I supposed to figure out if someone is compatible if I've put the wall back up? How can we find footing if they never see that vulnerable part of me that is pure joy, that giggling, shiney light that radiates within me, that peace that orbits the planet, circles my body and penetrates deeply?
How do I not bring fear to the table or bar, coffee shop, park, bike ride, museum? Could it be as simple as deciding?
First things first, he has to show up. Then, I think, it's all up to me.
"The biggest risk is not taking any risk."
Here are some updates on what's happening with my Art and Herbalism!
I was interviewed by Kimberly Ruth for Art Uncovered. Kimberly managed to guide the discussion in such a way that I learned some new things about my own work. Check it out. The interview starts at around 6:40.
http://www.btrtoday.com/listen/artuncovered/donna-troy-cleary/
I'm teaching again at Mildred's Lane this spring in the Session Wilding, Wasting, Workstyling Session. So honored to be part of this impressive group of artists, including J Morgan Puett herself - the cofounder with Mark Dion of Mildred's Lane. I'll be taking participating fellows on plant walks, identifying, gathering and drying plants for remedies. June 18-24th. It's just around the corner.
I've been selected to participate in Art In Odd Places, New York! I'm doing a performance called Becoming Cailleach. Cailleach is the Irish Creator Goddess. It is thought that the Sheela na gig, found carved in relief all around Ireland is a manifestation of the Goddess. She dons an oversized vulva through which all life passes and an angry grimace as if to warn those who see her of her all-encompassing control over life and death. I've crocheted the costume out of yarn and integrated the Tree Goddess, found in sacred groves - the site of Druidic ceremonies. Kathy Halfin (embodying Kali) and I will be perform healing ceremonies while interacting with audiences along 14th Street in Manhattan this October. Details to follow.
The event is accompanied by an exhibition at Westbeth Gallery in Greenwich Village. Can't wait!! This exhibition is curated by Katya Grokhovsky an amazing artist as well.
I started a business! If you haven't heard from me in the last 3 months, it's because I decided to throw my hat in the ring and start an herbalism business. It's called Spiral Herbal Remedies. I've created a line of preventative remedies, along with variety of products designed to treat specific ailments. I've also developed several non-toxic alternatives to Big Brand products. So many people I see at my shop are inflamed. I believe it has to do with toxins in the processed foods and products we consume and use. They are for "Detoxing" and designed to get to the source of the problem.
Spiral Herbal Remedies can be found at Artists and Fleas, Williamsburg every weekend from 10-7 and online @ Spiral Herbal Remedies
Becoming Cailleach. This October in Art In Odd Places, New York.
One of many alternatives at Spiral Herbal Remedies. Again, available at @artistsandfleas Williamsburg, every weekend from 10-7.